I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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