At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
i now understand why vodka
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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