i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
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