a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
jump out the window naked night went bad
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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