I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Randomize
