RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
