just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize