Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
