I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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