I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
