Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
