And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
