so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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