I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
