She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
high people should be assigned attendants
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize