awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
They have beer where we have blood.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
