I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
