Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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