nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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