How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
