Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
