Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
