I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Randomize
