I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
They have beer where we have blood.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
