Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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