Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
