im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
i think my tv is drunk
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
