Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
