I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
