Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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