I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
