I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
