Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize