The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize