Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
