My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
