i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
