I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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