im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
