Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
