I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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