So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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