my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
