he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Your penis caused this!
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