I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
