im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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