I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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