My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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