Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
3pm strippers are depressing
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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