Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
