made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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