if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
