PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
