got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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