I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
