Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
