My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
