Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
That accounts for only three of the penises
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
