why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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